☞「心の丸窓」は心の杜の医師・心理師による心の診療に関するコラムです。

Round window of the mind is the column about mental therapy written by doctors of Kokoronomori Shinjuku Clinic.

Hurt of the mind is painful. Usually, we try not to be hurt as much as we can. In this article, I would like to consider about the relationship between hurt and development of the personality. 

Of course, I am not saying that a parent should hurt his/her child to stimulate the child’s development. If a parent intentionally tries to hurt his/her child, it can be regarded as an abuse. But sometimes, a parent fails to meet child’s needs or expectations. These failures may leave serious wound on the child’s mind. And the wound may cause a serious damage, or trauma, on the personality of the child. The child may be frustrated, humiliated, disappointed, despaired, etc. However, at such moments, the child would have an opportunity to face with the hard and cruel reality of the world. 

There are two kinds of the ways of dealing with these kinds of situations for the child; accepting and avoiding. Avoiding includes denial. For example, turning blind eyes to the reality, the child may think that the parent was intentionally attacking him from hatred. Or, he may think that it was his fault, rather than the parent’s failure. This kind of understanding can protect his idealised view of his parent, but he avoids seeing and accepting the reality. If the child can accept the reality, only then he can develop and grow, which means becoming able to see more of the reality of the world.

And then, it is also important to have a supportive environment for the child to heal the wound. This might be, for example, empathy for the child’s pain and hurt by supportive parents and other grown-ups.

Thus, personal development can only be achieved by true experience of being hurt.

Gugan